I nothing kills a great scene with snappy dialog more than extra words. Part of the problem is writing "he said/she said", is a lot more annoying than reading it. I personally like having the characters do little actions while talking, but it is very easy to go overboard and have the actions take away from the dialog.
I've noticed that rough drafts might go something like this.
“What do think?” He proudly showed off his outfit. The work of art that he spent hours on.
She looked it over with a critical eye and said, “Using a live Flamingo for a hat might be too much.” She pointed at Fred the Flamingo who was perched on his head.
The dialog is fine on its own.
“What do think?” he asked.
“Using a live Flamingo for a hat might be too much,” she said.
When the whole page or two of dialog is good those extra words really get in the way. The intent might be to have the reader laugh, laugh some more, stop because the laughing starts to hurt, keep reading because they are a glutton for punishment. Instead it turns into laugh, pause, laugh, pause. On to the next scene being mildly amused.
It is really painful to cut this extra stuff, but it helps the dialog. The only comfort is it is nearly as painful to cut it from other people's work as it is my own.
An other problem writers have, is posting parts of their rough drafts on their blogs to use as examples. Below is an example of both these problems, if you are someone who hates it when writers do this I'll see you at the bottom (it will be clearly marked).
SELF-INDULGENT ROUGH DRAFT POSTING:
When his phone went off it felt like a flaming sword was rammed through his brain. He looked at the display that was much too bright and didn't recognize the number. He thought about just turning the phone off but he worried it might be important.
“Hello?” he said.
“Hey how's my fuck-buddy?” Vivian's voice made Howie's head pound but made him smile at the same time.
“Not too great right now I've got a massive headache,” Howie said. “Are you calling from the laundry mat again?”
“No I'm at work,” Vivian said. “Some customer dropped their cell phone and I figured since he wasn't using it I'd give you a call.”
“That will teach him to hold on to it better.” Howie smiled even though it sent shooting pains through his head.
“I try to help people when I can,” Vivian said. “Hold on I've got another call.”
Howie smiled at the thought of Vivian taking other people's calls without thinking anything was wrong with that.
“Okay I'm back,” Vivian said. “It was just the guy who owns the phone's wife wondering why he was late. I told her he was in the shower.”
“You told her that?” Howie asked.
“I figured it would give them something to talk about when he got home.” Vivian laughed.
“I'm sure it will,” Howie said.
“Damn for some reason she's calling back, should I tell her it will take him longer to get home if I check on him by joining him in the shower?” Vivian asked.
“You might just want to ignore her,” Howie said.
“I suppose your right.” Vivian sighed. “I wish I was in your room so I could help you with your headache.”
“What would you do?” Howie asked.
“I'd have you rest your head against my boobies until it went away,” she said.
“That might be the only thing that would help with this headache.” Howie said, the idea of snuggling up to Vivian did make the headache a little more tolerable.
“I'd do that and I'd slowly stroke... damn she's calling back again,” Vivian said. “I should tell her off for interrupting us.”
“I don't think that would be a good idea,” Howie said.
“I've got a way to make her stop calling,” Vivian said. “Hold on.”
Howie wondered what Vivian could be doing.
“There that should keep her from calling,” Vivian said.
“What did you do?” Howie asked.
“I told her that her husband was busy in the shower with my husband 'Steve' and I couldn't check on them because I don't like watching them have anal sex.” Vivian laughed. “I told her I'd tell him she called when they moved on to blowing each other, but his mouth might be full then.”
“That should put her mind at ease.” Howie laughed and then got serious. “I'd love to keep chatting with you but my headache is getting worse.”
“That's okay I've got a line customers wanting to check out,” Vivian said. “But I'll be thinking about you tonight when I get naked in my bed.”
“I wish I could say the same,” Howie said. “But I'll probably just be suffering through this headache.”
“Okay. I can't wait to see you again,” Vivian said.
“I'm looking forward to seeing the greatest fuck buddy a guy could ever have, again,” Howie said.
“I thought you'd like to see me.” Vivian said in a tone that Howie couldn't tell if she was joking.
“I was talking about you.” Howie grinned, “Even with this massive headache the thought of seeing you makes me feel better.”
“I'm glad I could help. Sorry I've got to go.” She hung up the phone.
Here is the same Scene with all the extra words cut out:
When his phone went off, it felt like a flaming sword rammed through his brain. He looked at the display that was much too bright. He didn't recognize the number. He thought about just turning the phone off but worried it might be important.
“Hello?”
“Hey, how's my fuck-buddy?” Vivian's voice made him smile despite the pain.
“Not too great right now I've got a massive headache,” he said. “Are you calling from the laundromat again?”
“No I'm at work,” she said. “Some customer dropped their cell phone and I figured since he wasn't using it I'd give you a call.”
“That will teach him to hold on to it better.”
“I try to help people when I can,” she said. “Hold on I've got another call.”
Howie smiled at Vivian taking other people's calls without thinking anything was wrong with that.
“Okay I'm back,” she said. “It was just the guy who owns the phone's wife wondering why he was late. I told her he was in the shower.”
“You told her that?”
“I figured it would give them something to talk about when he got home,” she said.
“I'm sure it will,” he said.
“Damn for some reason she's calling back, should I tell her it will take him longer to get home if I check on him by joining him in the shower?” Vivian asked.
“You might want to ignore her.”
“I suppose your right.” She sighed. “I wish I was in your room so I could help you with your headache.”
“What would you do?”
“I'd have you rest your head against my boobies until it went away,” she said.
“That might be the only thing that would help with this headache.”
“I'd do that and I'd slowly stroke... damn she's calling back again,” she said. “I should tell her off for interrupting us.”
“I don't think that would be a good idea,” he said.
“I've got a way to make her stop calling, hold on.”
“Okay.”
“There. That should keep her from calling,” Vivian said.
“What did you do?”
“I told her that her husband was busy in the shower with my husband 'Steve' and I couldn't check on them because I don't like watching anal sex. I told her I'd tell him she called when they moved on to blowing each other, but his mouth might be full then.”
“That should put her mind at ease.” Howie laughed and then got serious. “I'd love to keep chatting, but my headache is getting worse.”
“That's okay I've got a line of customers wanting to check out,” she said. “But I'll be thinking about you tonight when I get naked in my bed.”
“I wish I could say the same. But I'll probably just be suffering through this headache.”
“Okay. I can't wait to see you again,” Vivian said.
“I'm looking forward to seeing the greatest fuck buddy a guy could ever have,” Howie said.
“I thought you'd like to see me?”
“I was talking about you.” He grinned. “Even with this massive headache the thought of seeing you makes me feel better.”
“Glad I could help. Sorry got to go.”
END OF SELF-INDULGENT ROUGH DRAFT POSTING.
Cutting all the little extra actions and thoughts from the scene makes it flow better and let's the dialog stand on its own. If the dialog is good enough to stand on its own then let it. If it isn't, should it really be in the book?
Getting rid of all that extra baggage is worth it, but it is really painful.
You're going to hate it, but I liked the first version better.
ReplyDeleteThe dialog *was* good in both and stood on its own, but I had a much better sense of the POV character in the first version than the second. And, though I had no more insight into her, I had a better sense of Vivian because of the way the POV character thought about her. And it was funnier, though I can't say why.
People DO think their own things while talking and, if you're writing from inside someone's head, it can feel *more real* to hear it.
Here's the thing. Sometimes it doesn't work. You're right and the extra fluff needs to be trimmed. Sometimes, authors *aren't good* at it (but think they are - Laurell K. Hamilton comes to mind). But others are sheer genius at it (Nora Roberts comes to mind).
Like most writing rules, you got to do what's right for the story. Some books, the chatty asides are distracting or out of place, don't fit the character, etc. Some books, they *make* the story fantastic. The distraction is part of the charm. (Just like side characters).
In the end, you're the writer. They're your characters and it's your story. You have to decide what's best. There might be half a dozen reasons why the second one is better from the middle of your story - perhaps we've done enough character establishment, maybe something big is about to happen and this is just slowing us down. Maybe the book just needs to be trimmed by 500 words.
But here, well, I found the first segment charming. And *you know* I don't give out false compliments.
Like most things in writing, it's a bit of a balancing act. I always say I hate "Floating Head Syndrome" dialog where two people talk on with nothing to ground us in the scene, but my favorite books are filled with it, Early Asimov, Harry Harrison ect.
ReplyDeleteI also say I hate it when an author pulls us out of the dialog and the story and love Victorian Era Science Fiction where that is the norm.
I also was critiquing a work that was more like the fictitious example I put up top at the same time as I really needed to cut the chapter that had that scene by a quarter. So it wasn't the worst example of my hiding dialog, just the one I happened to be working on. Trust me if I searched I could find some retched examples.
It would also help if I knew what Genre I was writing. Laurell K. Hamilton is a fantasy/romance writer so the fantasy needs to show more than the characters, Nora Roberts is the opposite, she's a romance - sci-fi romance writer. I don't have her books handy so I can't check, but if I remember right, her JD Robb books have less thoughts in the dialog than her Roberts books.
Typing this out gives me an idea for a research project, I've never really looked at the dialog in different genres. I'll have to check that out.
Heinlein is a good example of this kind of writer, the chatty while talking writer.
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure the genre is important. But then, I haven't done research in it either.
Off hand, the books I read by Laurell K. Hamilton sounded like they wanted to be JD Robb. That was my impression, anyway.